Letter to the Editor

Dear Sir,
I want to express my displeasure about an issue in the Kansas State Legislature. I can't believe these people are spending so much time talking about s-e-x. They should be ashamed of the themselves. I don't think s-e-x should be talked about in public places. However, I am going to have to make an exemption.

The people in Topeka want to outlaw same sex marriage. This is awful! I only know one way to have sex. I have the same sex all the time. If they make this illegal I don't think I can handle it. I can't come up with a new way to do it each time my wife and I want to have relations. Granted it only happens whenever we change the clocks (and the batteries in the smoke detectors) but after we spring forward I will not be able to figure out a new way to fall back.

Those yahoos in Topeka had better come up with some kind of manual if they expect everyone in the state to stop having the same sex. I for one would allow my tax dollars to make some sort of Kansas Sutra to help the less imaginative of us.

Sincerely,
Floyd Christopher Turbo, Jr.

(apologies to my mother who reads this...)

The King is Dead...

I always felt a certain connection to Johnny Carson. He was born in Nebraska. I was born in Nebraska. He started on the Tonight Show in 1962. I started on this planet in 1962. Every anniversary show for Johnny had the same number as the number of candles on my birthday cake. He was funny. I always wanted to be funny. He seemed to have a kind soul. I strive for kindness. Humor for him was never mean-spirited. I find it difficult to make jokes that might be hurtful to anyone. He was a private man. I am naturally shy and value my time on my own, even though much of my work has me in some sort of public spotlight. I have missed him since 1992 and now he has passed.

Why do I feel genuine sadness? I never met him. I only saw him on television with millions of others seeing him at the same time. He wasn't talking to me. That is what made him the best at what he did. His sincerity was visible. For years and years I wanted to be Johnny Carson when I grew up. But no one will ever quite match up to him.

Thank you Mr. Carson for all your time and talent given to so many, and for being a role model I am still proud to publically proclaim.

New Stuff is Happening

As mentioned earlier, I have made the leap to newspaper columnist!

The old Chris, who always down-played any successful endeavor, would say the local paper just wanted a local writer to add more local flavor to the paper. The new Chris, who proudly takes credit for his accomplishments, would say increased confidence in his writing helped him sell his work to a new outlet. Either way (you choose) I am now officially a weekly humor columnist for an honest to goodness newspaper.

The most recent column (number 2 overall) is posted on the papers website at this address:
http://www.dodgeglobe.com/stories/011205/lif_20050112022.shtml

The "Pod of Geniuses" known as Imum Pancy is working towards many new things. Life can be good.

A new year begins...

The year ahead seems to be rife with possibilities. I get to generally manage the Legend with a year under my belt and put more of my own stamp on the game night entertainment. I am continuing with the radio broadcasting of high school sports which is fun and the added experience makes it possible to be a better broadcaster for the Legend. I get to continue the column in the Legend magazine. These things are great fun and allow me to dabble in a variety of things.

The new endeavors look good. The "Broken Wind" script is finished and the pre-production and the shooting schedule should get accomplished in a while. I also will be branching out with the humor column stuff to the Dodge City Daily Globe. Wednesday's "lifestyle" section will start carrying my stuff. Since Dave Barry is taking a sabbatical why not try to fill the void.

Everything that is going well in my life can be attributed to the people I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by. Claudia makes it all happen. The family I grew up in created my sensibilites. Rob taught me how to be funny and to be a friend. Sarah keeps pushing me to create, and helps set the bar high. Seth has provided confidence and made what was only a weak wish into a reality. Thank you to all.

Freakin' Sweet

The first package opening of the Christmas season occurred Saturday at the 2nd Annual Fleece Navidad Party at M. Schaeffer's house. The generousity of all was abundant and my family thanks everyone for their kindness.

I got the Brian (dog from Family Guy) action figure I shamelessly asked for in an earlier blog thanks to Sarah.

Seth made it possible for me to find that "mot juste" with his gifts of etymological compendiums. I have never been accused of possessing a paucity in the vocabulary department. However, the next time I wish to vociferate or pontificate with my coterie, even though I am no polyglot, I shall be able to regale them well, much to their delectation. Maybe this skill will one day lead to true autarky. I do hope I don't sound too supercilious.

What do you Want for Christmas?

A common question this time of year is "What do you want for Christmas?" When I was a kid I had no trouble coming up with quite a long list. (Did anyone else out there ask for "Calisto" the alien buddy of intrepid space adventurer Major Matt Mason?) I was lucky enough that my parents were in a situation and of the dispostition to give me more than a reasonable amount of what I asked Santa to bring me.

Now, as forty-two year old father of three my listmaking is not anywhere near what it used to be. It is not that I don't desire stuff. (See the previous blog entry "Materialistic Bastard") I have gotten to a point in my life that "stuff" isn't as important. The desire is not for the particular "most wanted item" (Red Ryder BB gun etc.) I like gifts that have meaning in relation to the person giving them.

Whenever my kids asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year they added the describing phrase "that we can wrap and put under the tree." Below is the list of what I would like that cannot be wrapped up and put under the tree. After you read the first couple you will understand why my kids said what they said.

1. Children that do not fight with each other
2. Children that keep their rooms somewhat clean
3. Time to spend with my family - alone time with my wife
4. Time to spend with my friends
5. Time to do the creative things I enjoy
6. The dream of Imum Pancy comes to reality
7. A league championship for the Legend

There are only nine shopping days until Christmas. If you can do something about the above list I would greatly appreciate it.

Stories and the people who tell them

I have always enjoyed good story tellers. I also aspire to be one. There are times I feel like the Salieri of storytellers. I am able to recognize greatness, but seem unable to create it myself. Now before Seth gets onto me for my usual self-denigrating way, I am good. I have written very good things from time to time, but I lack consistancy and the nebulous quality that puts me into the great category.

I don't want to write the great American novel. Deep literature doesn't interest me very much. I like stories. Snippets of life that make the reader laugh, feel pride, even the ones that make you tear up a bit. I do not subscribe to what I call the "Oprah Disease." This is a malady where the only great literature must be immensely sad. The abused wife suffering from Tourette's Syndrome finds an autistic child on her doorstep...(arrggghhh!) Look at a list of the Oprah Book Club and nearly all of them have a "depression factor" beyond standing on the scale after three weeks of intense physical labor to find you gained 7 pounds.

Someone who excels at capturing simple life in a wonderful way is a sports columnist for the Kansas City Star. Joe Posnanski knows how to write a story. Recently the powers that be at the paper have realized his talents and he has branched out to write about more than sports. He still writes about sports, but he diverts to other topics more often now. He writes about humanity in a way that makes you glad you still have a membership card to the human race.

If you want to read some of his stuff: www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/sports/columnists/joe_posnanski/

Windmills and a Windbag

Hmmm... what to write about today.

The latest windwill I tilted at was not one for publication. I used to go on Quixotic quests with great regularity when I was a teacher. There are ample opportunities for righteous indignation when working in education. The "windmills" won entirely too many of the battles, which was probably one of the reasons I now work for a basketball team.

I still have the deisre to fight the good fight. It is just the opportunites are fewer and I have less direct contact.

Beware: Change of topic without benefit of segue...

I have added radio sports broadcasting to my resume in the last year. It was an expectaion of the job with the Legend. It has since branched out to include high school sports in the fall and winter. I enjoy it quite a bit. The hardest part is not saying the bloody obvious over and over again. ("I think the team that will score the most points before the clock runs out will win." was a quote I heard a broadcaster say once.)I just hope to throw in occasional jokes and arcane references to make it enjoyable for the few people listening.

Talking for four hours solid brings on a whole different kind of fatigue than anything else I have done.

Note to would be broadcasters: Do not eat anything before the game that will cause indigestion - squelching a belch while calling a fast break is damn near impossible.

Materialistic Bastard

I like stuff. I admit it. The Christmas season is just about to kick off. The ulitimate dichotomy of the good and the bad of materialism. Retail greed is at its greatest this time of year. Buy, buy,BUY! is the battle cry everywhere you look. Then there are the reminders placed strategically about pertaining to the "reason for the season."

Giving and not getting is supposed to be the purpose. The Christian faith is celebrating the begining of the life of Christ. There were no blue light specials in Bethlehem, besides I doubt K-Mart carried myrrh. (If they had would they have been called K-Myrrh-T?) I do get a very good feeling giving gifts to people. I love the looks on my kids faces when they open gifts. The youngest one still has the wonder in his eyes, he has not been as exposed to jaded folks yet. The Santa spirit lives well in George.

Probably the best thing about Christmas morning with the kids is the joy they have on their faces when they watch others open the presents they picked out for them. Emilyjane, Alice, and George all love to give to each other and they put thought behind their gifts. They are completely focused on the person opening the present they gave them even with the spoils of their own Christmas plunder at their feet.

All that said and all that being true, I still have to admit I like getting things. I like toys. I like gadgets. I like getting stuff. I will not say there is anything wrong with me. I work hard to appreciate the non-materialistic side of life. I love my wife, my kids, my mom, my brothers, my sister, my friends and I miss my dad. I realize that I am blessed by many things. However, I still would love to have an I-pod and the "action figure" of Brian, the dog from Family Guy under my tree on Christmas day.

Word of the Day: Equipoise

There is too much negativity running about in the world today. I am a perpetrator. I admit it. I have a theory that sadness and anger are natural emotions but happiness and serenity has to be learned. The simplest example of this is a baby. They cry and fuss without any prompting. The smiles and coos only come with work done by the parent to create the positive feelings. It only happens with the help and training of others.

Work on making yourself happy. I am not advocating hedonistic behaviors, at least not all the time. Also, I think we all need to remember to work and train others to feel the good feelings. This can cause your own good feelings to multiply dramatically.

Personally I need to work on the guilt I often inflict upon myself when I do things that could be construed as selfish.

I love the term serenity - calm and undisturbed. It is a state of mind that is a laudable goal. Not an easy one, but a great intent.

Another word I like is equipoise - balance: equality of distribution. I first heard it in relation to baseball. It takes great equipoise to hit a ball, relaxation and concentration. Those two frames of mind balanced properly seem to me to be a great way to get to that serenity.

I always "sign off" when leaving a person or ending an e-mail with the phrase "Have fun." I mean it.

Have fun.

A Sense of Completion

I finished it. I had been working on a movie script for quite a while now. Sarah, Seth, and I have been planning to make a short comedy film for a little over a year now. It all began as trading jokes and gags while sitting around Sarah's classroom. I started writing the script soon after that session. Well, a variety of things slowed the process. It took me nearly a year to write the first 29 pages and then I wrote 20 pages Wednesday.

It was great fun to write the script. I was giddy Wednesday. Claudia and I were hanging out Wednesday afternoon while the kids were at choir practice and she was bombarded with silly joke after silly joke as I continued on what I called "a roll." Writing is a singular process. I enjoy sitting at the computer writing. I even make myself laugh out loud once in a while. The contributions of Seth and Sarah can not be overstated.

I think the movie will be quite funny. The circle of friends we have possess talents that should make it possible to truly pull this off well. The fun of collaborative creative process is great. I hope all can continue towards the completion of this project.

Hermit Tendancies Pushed Aside

Saturday night was the big party for Seth's natal day. I realized that it had been quite a while since I had been in a large group of people for social purposes. Even when I go to places with lots of people I tend to stay rather closed off and stick to a small number of folks. Saturday was different because, not only did I know 99% of the people there, I liked all the people there. I have, maybe not anti-social tendancies, but rather, hermit tendancies.

It was great to laugh and talk and eat and drink (I was a good boy I had one cup of the spiked punch only) with a bunch of people. Thanks, Sarah for the throwing the party and thanks to Seth for making it clear that the lack of a party would be tantamount to sacrilegious behavior.

Next year I will have to drop hints the size of Buick that I want a big party on my birthday.

Election Day

I just think it is cool to vote. I know a lot of people voted in advance for convenience sake, but I like the process. When I showed up at my polling place there were no lines, but it was busy. It was at 9:15 so not a peak time in Cimarron. I was given the wrong ballot for my "township" and had to vote twice - but I am sure only one will count.

My father was a political junkie so watching the news and the election returns was a big deal in my house as a child. I have memories of watching the political party conventions when they actually meant something, not just rubber stamp of primaries. It was fun to watch the spokesman for each state announce how they were voting. They always got some sort of chamber of commerce plug in as they were polled. "The great state of Wisconsin, the home of enough cheese to make an enchilada the size of Pangea, casts its votes for the next President of the United States -- George McGovern!" So both statements were probably not correct.

I hope everyone old enough to vote does so. I realize that everyone I voted for will not win, but it did not stop me from voting for the person. I was casting about for someone to write in against Tim Huelskamp and Melvin Neufeld because I hate it when someone runs unoppossed. People complain that we should have a more open pool of candidates than the two established parties, well in southwest Kansas there is but one all to often. No Democrats run against the established Republicans, that can't be good.

I am looking forward to watching the coverage of the election tonight...I just pray that we have a decision 2004 in a much shorter timeframe than decision 2000. If the courts get involved we may have problems that reach far beyond who will be president for the next four years.

Nothing in Particular

I have nothing in particular to talk about today. I just felt I should post something because when I go to the blogs I read on a regular basis and there is nothing new I have a moment of dissapointment. It is not disheartening (my car won't start), painful (I just stubbed my toe on the chair leg) or frightening (the Supreme Court just got bombed and Bush gets to name a whole new batch). It is just a moment of "aahhh, nothing."

I am glad Seth got me started with this odd little electronic therapy. I am very curious how much it gets read, but I am not worried about the "popularity" of it. I enjoy the excuse to write "stuff." Unimportant stuff, silly stuff, self-important stuff, crappy stuff.......

To anyone who does read this stuff please add your two cents worth on the comments. I love the feedback and the fun of seeing what others think.

Question of the day: How does one loot 377 tons of explosives? This isn't a television from a storefront window in a race riot. I can't lift a box of books much less 377 tons of something.

Extremists are fun

This is a great time of year for fanatics.

The Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees series has brought a huge number of irrational statements, not to mention fun baseball to watch.

The election creates fanaticism that is unparalleled. Both sides are guilty of this. I have been listening to Air America on the internet today. Liberal radio designed to combat the conservative radio talk that is rife on the airwaves. It is fun to listen to this after getting angry at Rush Limbaugh for years.

Everybody spins and distorts...

Be sure you vote what your head and heart tells you, but please use your head more than your heart.

You know who I miss ... all the fanatics saying that Harry Potter is demonic and makes children turn to Satan if they read them. My children can spout Potter trivia as easily as their names and address and I have yet to find a pentagram drawn in blood on their closet walls.

I wonder how the candidates feel about Harry Potter. My guess: Kerry liked the books, but wants to put a Potter tax on all Harry memorabilia to fund his liberal tax and spend ideas. Laura read the first book to W, but he didn't have the attention span for the longer sequels. Dick Cheney explained them to him and got a contract for Halliburton to supply the troops with hardcover copies, the books are in Farsi (the official language of Iran) and we paid $795 per copy, but if you wedge one in your shirt they stop many forms of shrapnel better than the flak jackets. Nader feels that the fact that book 5 was 870 pages was a threat to the rain forests because the number of trees to supply the paper can not be found elswhere. Michael Badnarik's Potter opinion, oh, who the hell cares what the Libertarian candidate thinks. I bet you didn't know he was the Libertarian candidate until the end of the sentence.

Are your humors out of balance?

A friend of mine gave me a "Personality Testing Instrument" the other day. I had a few minutes to kill while waiting for something so I filled it out. It was simple enough. There were forty rows, in each row there were four words. I was to chose the one word in each row that best described me. Twenty rows went under the heading "Strengths" and twenty under the heading "Weaknesses." What I found the most interesting about the test is that they divide the results into four categories: Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic, and Melancholy, the four humors of Elizabethan times.

My question is:
If I think that I would rather be in a different category than the test slots me would a pair of peckish leeches fix things up?

In case you are wondering I was labeld a Peaceful Phlegmatic with slight Perfect Melancholy leanings. A few Popular Sanguine traits popped up, but the Powerful Choleric was nearly non-existent in this guy.

I would love to have a friend fill it out for me to see if others see me as I see myself...

The Meaning of Life

What’s it all about?

What is it that makes it all worthwhile?

For centuries people of great learning and spiritual strength have been searching for the meaning of life. Unfortunately the number of people looking has produced almost as many different answers to the question. There are similarities in many of the answers. Most religions have tenets that are comparable. Secular conclusions even have common elements to the religious ones. Read Joseph Campbell and you will see similarities even in cultures separated by greats gulfs of time and space.

Why do I bring this up? Because I think I may have stumbled on the actual proper answer. Go into a pre-school classroom and watch the children sing and dance to an age-old song.
The Hokey-Pokey is what it’s all about.

Fred Allen Contest

As I stated in a added comment to the "Isn't Technology Grand?" let's have a contest. To all folks who can put a Fred Allen quote, reference, or bit of trivia on a comment attached to this blog you will win...congratulations and respect from your peers.

I'll start it:
"That ain't the way I hear-ed it. One feller says to the other feller Saaaay he says..." Old Timer from Allen's Alley

Ha!

Laughter is a strange thing. It is next to impossible to describe why some things are funny and some other things are not. There are times that you can lose control of yourself when just the right funny thing happens. Who among us can say that they have never had a moment when they thought breathing normally may not ever happen as they laughed at something, often something that really wasn't that funny.

Making people laugh as an actor was great. The nuances I added that were not in the script gave great satisfaction. The laughs I got doing speechette for the shows I directed may have been more fun since they were completely my own.

Sometimes I wish laughter could be more quantifiable. I wish I was assured of always getting my Recommended Daily Allowance of laughter like I can have a Centrum to get all the riboflavin I need.

Thanks to Claudia, Emilyjane, Alice, George, Sarah, and Seth for making sure I laugh every day.

Isn't technology grand?

I am not a huge baseball fan, but I do enjoy it. Being a Royals fan makes it hard to maintain excitement. Each year I adopt a team or two to root for in order make it interesting throughout the season. One of my teams for the last few years has been the Cardinals. Well the Cards are in the playoffs, but I have to work so sitting in front of the television isn't possible (I don't have cable so I would have to find some place to watch anyway). Well, I have dialed the game up on the internet. And as an added perk I get to listen to the venerable Vin Scully do the game. Baseball is the best sport to listen to on the radio and Scully's voice means baseball.

Most people reading this will probably not get this reference but I think Scully sounds like the great radio comedian Fred Allen. I keep expecting him to say: "And now we'll leave the ballpark and head to Allen's Alley and see what Senator Claghorn thinks about the Pujols home run."