Saturday, September 22, 2007

Using Wikipedia to self-diagnose

I’m tired. The preceding statement is not meant as a complaint, just a simple statement of fact. I used to think as an energy-challenged person I was in the minority, but as I look around it becomes more and more obvious there are a lot of people in the same boat (a boat which is not going anywhere anytime soon because no one has the gumption to pick up an oar and propel the dinghy onward).
Not being a card carrying hypochondriac I did not immediately go to medical professionals to see if I had a deeply entrenched malady causing my consistent sense of weariness. Besides, that would require too much effort. Finally, I went where it is easiest to access information, the internet. The first self-diagnosis was chronic fatigue syndrome, just because the name fit.
I quickly abandoned the idea that chronic fatigue syndrome was my difficulty. That problem is described as debilitating. I am not debilitated. I just prefer not to move around much. While reading the description of CFS I came across another medical issue which may have been more fitting.
My new discovery was called orthostatic intolerance. Here is the four years in med school (or at least dedicated viewer of ER) definition of orthostatic intolerance: the development of symptoms during upright standing relieved by recumbency. If you do not recognize the term recumbency don’t feel bad, neither does the spell check on my computer. (Have you ever thought how useless spell check is to people in highly specialized scientific fields? Every paper they write must look like Dean Martin’s eyes – enough red wavy lines to draw a roadmap from Boston to Los Angeles via Juneau. For those of you under 40 simply take out Dean Martin’s name and replace it with Lindsay Lohan’s, it’ll make more sense.)
Let’s take a moment to examine the definition. The development (process of something becoming larger, stronger, or more advanced) of symptoms (indications of a disease or other disorder) during upright (standing vertically) standing (being upright…seems somewhat redundant doesn’t it?) relieved (to end, lessen, or provide a temporary break from something unpleasant) by recumbency (sitting back down). This means when you stand up you really just want to sit back down. Talk about an “AHA!” moment.
I decided to read on. Symptoms (see previous paragraph for the definition of this arcane medical term) of OI are triggered by several things. Trigger number one is being in an upright posture for long periods of time. The hazy point is the real definition of “long” periods of time. Standing in line for a burger and fires I have stamina. Standing in line for tickets to the new Broadway version of Xanadu, an abysmal Olivia Newton-John movie from 1980 which was sadly Gene Kelly’s last turn on the big screen, makes me require an intravenous drip of caffeine. Trigger number two is a warm environment after exercise. Come on, any environment after exercise makes me want to lie down. The third trigger is an emotionally stressful event. I guess this translates to “When the going gets tough the OI folks need a cold compress and to elevate their feet.” The final trigger is an inadequate intake of fluids and salt. Can you say Medicinal Margaritas?
I admit it. I have no real medical problem. I’m just a lazy man trapped in a busy person’s body. Judging from the huge growth of energy drinks I must not be the only one fighting this.
The first one I heard of was Red Bull. Upon further investigation Red Bull may be akin to hot dogs. It is better not to know how it is made. Towards the bottom of the can it touts it is made with Taurine. Do you know what Taurine is? It is also known as 2-aminoethanesulfonic acid, which is an organic acid and a major component of bile. Taurine is found in the tissues of many animals, as well as plants, fungi and some species of bacteria. (Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, just like Grandma used to make.) It is called Taurine from the Latin word taurus meaning a defunct line of Ford cars. Sorry, it is called Taurine from the Latin word taurus meaning bull, because it was first isolated from ox bile.
To me this all means someone at some point actually said these words. “I know just what this needs, a shot of ox bile!”

1 comment:

Eric Pyle said...

Goat bile's good, too.