This Column is Really, Really, Important!

There is probably no newspaper headline in history more famous than the Chicago paper stating “Dewey Defeats Truman.” It seems odd to me the best known headline happens to be one of the least accurate. Not only was it the other way around, but this was well before anyone had heard of a “hanging chad” and the only time the words “bush” and “gore” would be used in the same sentence was if the author wished to describe a person hiding in a bit of shrubbery from a blood thirsty longhorn.
A newspaper headline serves more than one purpose. One is to alert the reader to the basic content of the story below it. Another is to entice the reader to read the story, or in the case of the front page headline buy the paper. Newspapers have this dumb rule about having truth be the basis for headlines. Otherwise the rule about enticing people to buy the paper would be the only rule and headlines would be much more fun. Can you imagine an issue of the News saying this? “Buy This Paper or DIE!” Circulation would go through the roof.
The world champion of fabulous headlines is far and away the World Weekly News. With such winners as “Tiny Terrorists Disguised as Garden Gnomes”, “Bible’s Four Horsemen Ask Directions in Paris”, “Ventriloquist Dead – But His Dummy’s Still Talking” and “Hotcakes No Longer Selling Well” this paper was the best. I use the past tense correctly. The World Weekly News is gone. I was shocked to find out this bastion of journalistic integrity was no more. No more would I get uncontrollable giggles while standing in line at the supermarket to sign over my mortgage in order to buy two gallons of milk. No more would I see the gleaming eyes (and teeth) of Bat Boy looking up at me. But worst of all, no more could I harbor my secret wish, my one true goal in life. No more could I dream of working for a newspaper which lets you make things up. Not just make things up but pull things from the depths of some wild imaginary trip which would make Timothy Leary check into rehab.
So, with the reigning champion of headlines going into retirement I decided to just cruise the internet and look for headlines which caught my interest.
On Time magazine’s website I read this: “Study: Estrogen May Fight Dementia.” For a man who writes a humor column, this headline screams for comment. Estrogen may fight dementia, but did the study say it won? Women with their recommended levels of estrogen may not have dementia but that doesn’t mean they aren’t carriers. Okay, now the other side. Since men do not have proper levels of estrogen they may have dementia. The problem is how can you tell? A man may have dementia but since he is never in touch with his true emotions he doesn’t really care.
The next headline I looked at was on Yahoo News: “Doctor Warns Consumers of Popcorn Fumes.” Since I worked at movie theaters all through my high school years I was worried. Not only did I pop popcorn and serve popcorn, but unfortunately, I cannot truthfully say I did not inhale.
I was relieved to find out the danger was in microwave popcorn. It seems the butter flavoring does not have pure butter (gasp) but something called diacetyl which can cause lung problems. Of course the greedy big business people have their response. The Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association issued this statement: “We all know how hard it is to believe, but we can swear on any stack of Bibles you wish to produce, that there actually is a Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association.” I know. I was shocked too.
The last headline was on CNN.com. It read: “Men Want Hot Women, Study Confirms.” I have a new dream. Since the World Weekly News will never be hiring again I want to work for whatever organization bankrolled that study. What a great job. Water quenches thirst, study confirms…Getting hit in the head with a Nolan Ryan fastball hurts like crazy, study confirms…Voting for a Democratic presidential candidate in the state of Kansas makes no sense as long as the Electoral College is still in place, study confirms.