On a mission

I don’t know when it became a requirement but it seems every organization nowadays has to have a mission statement. The definition offered by an entity called Business Directions says a mission statement describes the purpose for which your organization exists. Following this description I would hope people within the organization would not need to consult the mission statement frequently.
“Hey, Bob, I’ve forgotten what we’re doing here at Microsoft. Am I researching new and better ways to create software which will maximize personal and business productivity or does it have something to do with otters?”
“Well, Dave, let’s just whip out our handy dandy mission statement. Hmmm, nope, no otters, it must be that software thing.”
Referring to the mission statement on the wall throughout the day would be like checking the name tag your mom sewed into your underwear in order to remember your name. Useful, yet pathetic.
“Why is it so important to have a mission statement?” you ask. Even if you did not ask I am going to tell you. Otherwise this column will be entirely too short. Once again according to Business Directions the chief benefits are it will focus the energy and clarify the purpose of your group. This I understand. Keeping one clear purpose and making sure all of your energies go to that purpose would make most any group unbelievably productive.
Let’s use an imaginary mission statement for an imaginary company to prove this point. Our company is Paint Chips Inc. and its mission statement is “To create the most arcane names for all the paint colors in every hardware store in America in order to appeal to all the women and confuse all the men.” (You know what I’m talking about. A couple wants to paint the kitchen the man wants blue the woman can’t decide between ‘undercool’ and ‘cloudless’. I did not make up those color names, but they are both just blue as far as I’m concerned.) This mission statement is used to guide every decision made by the company. Let’s listen in to a staff meeting.
“Mr. Argyle, sir the synonym department needs to buy a new thesaurus. Will you authorize that expenditure?”
“Certainly, Mr. Grape, that fits right into our mission statement.”
“Mr. Argyle, the visualizer department wants to take a trip to Hawaii to look at flowers, sunsets, and volcanic activity.”
“Buy them the tickets, Grape. That fits our mission statement as well.”
“Sir, the fire marshal called this morning. He says we can’t chain the typists to their desks anymore. It impedes their egress if there is an emergency.”
“Sorry, Grape, that does not fit the mission statement.”
“Sir, I have to agree with the fire marshal.”
“Where in the mission statement does it say Paint Chips Inc. will concern itself with keeping our employees safe in case of a fire? I need them typing those names. Do you think those little cards are going to write ‘Sands of Time’ and ‘Relentless Olive’ on themselves? I don’t think so. Next item.”
Okay, maybe only focusing on the mission statement wouldn’t be a good idea after all.
This is the mission statement I found for Exxon: To provide our shareholders a secure investment with a superior return. That sounds great if you are investing a chunk of the trust fund Granddad left you. If there were truth in mission statements laws like there are truth in advertising laws it might go more like this: To provide our shareholders a secure investment with a superior return without regard to the environment, and being sure to jack up gas prices for no discernible reason other than that superior return part we mentioned earlier.
Actually, I think individuals need truthful mission statements more than companies. In addition, it should be required people share these mission statements with each other before entering into any kind of relationship.
A person applying for a job foregoes the resume and hands over his accurate mission statement: John Smith, To get a job in order to take home a paycheck while doing the very minimum to avoid getting fired.
An even more important situation would be before going on a first date. Bill Johnson: To have a meaningless physical relationship for no more than twelve hours while attempting to stick my date with the dinner check.