Okay, it has been over a week and I haven’t seen one red cent increase in my bank account. The good people of this fair city voted for a casino. There was supposed to be this wonderful windfall of cash. I don’t know about you, but I’m a little peeved because I don’t have any money coming my way. I bet some multi-national corporation is in cahoots with the government to funnel all the money into an off-shore account to fund secret research in an attempt to develop an automobile which runs on grass clippings in order to hide it from the consumers thus lining the pockets of Exxon and Lee Iacocca.
What’s that? They haven’t even started building the casino yet?
I have been handed an article from a previous issue of the Daily Globe. Talk amongst yourselves while I catch myself up on the facts…
It seems it may be a while before anyone starts building the Las Vegas of the plains. According to the article by Mark Vierthaler (who seems to be very bright young man – probably due to the fact he had a certain newspaper columnist as his sixth grade teacher) there is an ongoing legal action which could make it a year before the Lottery people can even go ahead and make plans to build casinos. So, if we are waiting for the swift machinations of the court system and government bureaucracy, there may be casinos on Mars before there is one in Dodge City, America.
Even though it could be a year or two before the one armed bandits start eating dollars, I bet there are a lot of folks who think we got trouble right here in Its-Been-Like-Thirty-Years-Since-We-Had-Water-In-Our-River City and that starts with T and that rhymes with C and that stands for Casino. (I offer my sincerest apologies to Meredith Wilson.) Before people start calling evangelists, exorcists, and Buford Pusser to save us let’s look more closely at what a casino is.
My trusty paperback dictionary says a casino is a barrel, especially one containing alcohol. What? Sorry, I skipped a line, that’s a cask. A casino is a gambling establishment. That is seems pretty straight forward. Actually, the confusing part is the fact people keep calling it a “destination” casino. Isn’t anyplace you go your destination? But, you don’t hear McDonald’s calling itself a destination drive-thru. At the end of most days I head for my destination La-Z-Boy.
I don’t need to dissect the words. When I want to know about something I look to Hollywood. The way things are shown in the movies must be how it will be in real life. There are three different movies I know with casinos. “Ocean’s Eleven,” not the George Clooney one, I’m talking the real cool cat one with Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis, Jr. That was fun. Good looking guys and beautiful women laughing and having a great time. Nothing wrong with that, except our heroes are all thieves and Dean only had one song. The second one is “Dr. No” with Sean Connery. I think I’d look pretty good in a white dinner jacket playing baccarat impressing women and men alike with my savoire faire. Then there’s “Casino” with Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci, oh, my goodness, if Joe Pesci will be in the casino I am not going. He is the most annoying thing to appear on screen since Pia Zadora starred in “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” If our casino follws this movie there will be more planted in the fields of southwest Kansas than wheat, if you get my meaning.
I’ve been to Las Vegas. It was years ago. I saw Sinatra perform. (Unfortunatley, it was Frank Sinatra Jr. and he had the talent and charisma of my ninth grade civics teacher.) I stayed at a hotel which was later blown up in order to make room for new hotels and casinos built to resemble famous landmarks from around the world.
Maybe Dodge should do that. Vegas already has a pyramid and the Eiffel Tower. We could build the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Nope, people already think gambling is crooked. Let’s try the Great Wall of China. It would look historic and keep the Oklahomans from attacking. That’s not flashy enough to attract tourists. We need something more American. I’ve got it. Create a casino built to look like Mount Rushmore. Who wouldn’t want to spend time in a building you entered by walking through Teddy Roosevelt’s mouth?
The initiative on the ballot passed handily. But I have two words for the supporters of the casino in Dodge. These two words often accompany the lifestyle surrounding a house of gambling. They are two words which should strike fear into the heart of every right thinking person in this town. What are those two words? I hope you are sitting down…Elvis impersonators.