Potter, Potter everywhere, nor any drop to drink

It happened quite by accident. A friend of my wife’s recommended a book to read aloud to our girls (Emilyjane was five and Alice was three, this pre-dated our third child, George). Little did we know the impact it would have on us, much less the world. Of course, I am referring to “The Sickness Unto Death” by Soren Kierkegaard. Our 3 year old had a very interesting take on the philosopher’s assertion that people often seek to disprove the existence of a supreme being because of their own shortcomings in avoiding sin. Naaaah, only kidding. The book I’m talking about was actually “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”. The book which started it all for so many people sucked my family in completely (even George as soon as he crossed from the blob-like existence of an infant into a more sentient creature).
Today marks the one-week-left point before the final book hits the shelves. My family will be at the local bookseller for the midnight release to get our copies, yes, plural. In order to avoid dissention in the ranks three children and one wife will get his or her own copy. If I had to make book (so to speak) I’d give 3 to 1 odds the oldest daughter will finish the 784 pages first. Foregoing sleep and sustenance from the moment she gets hold of it, she will read until the end. I, on the other hand, will definitely be the last one finished. I like sleep and sustenance way too much. This is why I don’t rate a copy of my own. I take too long.
I take too long, partially because, unlike the children, I have a job. Being the slowest also means I will require something of the family which is hard for them to do, silence. “Don’t tell me anything that happens! If you do I may have to drop the book, which is roughly the size of a microwave oven, on your toes…twice.” A few days after the book is released, if someone peeks into the window as my family eats dinner, it is likely they will see four people eating and having an animated conversation. The fifth person (me) will be staring longingly at his spaghetti, sitting with each index finger planted deeply into each ear whilst humming “Stars and Stripes Forever” with great enthusiasm. Who needs the South Beach Diet? I have the I-Don’t-Want-To-Find-Out-If-Snape-Is-A-Good-Guy-Or-A-Bad-Guy-Until-I-Read-It-Myself Diet.
Truth be told, I haven’t read the last three books in the series. I listened to them. I love being read to. My mother did for the majority of my youth and I always placed myself in the proper spot so I could hear her read to my little sister when I was officially to cool to have my mother read to me at bedtime.
The Potter series is available in audio formats read by Jim Dale. Jim Dale is not a well-known actor. After you star in “Digby, the Biggest Dog in the World” it is hard to find just the right movie to follow up. He does a fantastic job. He is even listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for the greatest number of distinct characters voiced in an audio book – 134 in “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.” The former record holder was Rich Little reading “Pilgrim’s Progress” using the voices of every guest invited to the 1977 after Oscars party thrown by Swifty Lazar.
Mr. Dale also accomplished something a great number of fathers could not do. He kept three children still and quiet as our minivan traveled the width of two full states. I would much rather hear, “Can you turn it up a little?” as opposed to “Daaaaddd, Alice wiped her hands on me and I’m covered with cheese doodle dust!”
Something as big as the Potter phenomenon means everyone wants a piece of the action. A big chain of video stores advertised the book. Video stores are the haven of people who avoid reading. Students rent “Of Mice and Men” in order to write their book report, but show their ignorance when they keep referring to Lenny and his best friend Squiggy. Grocery stores have cardboard cut-outs of the boy wizard counting down the days to release. Pick up some milk, a loaf of bread and a pound and a half of Harry. Actually, the book may weigh more than that. This is why I feel sorry for the car hops at Sonic because with the purchase of every Potter book you receive a free side of french fries (or potato wands).

Christopher Pyle predicts Harry will survive the final book but will discover that Darth Vader is his father. If you wish to argue this point Christopher can be contacted at occasionallykeen@yahoo.com. The headline proves he occasionally listened in Mr. Knauer’s class.