To the stars through a cool ad campaign

This is my first column to appear in the Hutchinson News.


“Ad Astra Per Aspera?”
“Too high falutin’ nobody goes around speaking Latin. It sounds more like we are selling cars. Test drive the new Chevy Astra Per Aspera, today!”
“The Sunflower State?”
“Too cutesy, people will think we wear flowers in our hair like Haight Ashbury hippies.”
“The Jayhawk State?”
“That just ticks off the K-State grads. Maybe we should stay with Kansas, As Big as You Think?”
“I still don’t know exactly what that means, besides if someone thinks we’re Rhode Island small it does nothing to show them the error of their ways.”
The preceding conversation was made up, which I suppose is pretty obvious because no one actually says things like “the error of their ways” in real life. Otherwise the conversation does seem plausible because Kansas is forever trying to re-define its image.
I am a life-long Kansan. Sorry, this is a newspaper, so I suppose I need to come clean with full disclosure. I was born in Nebraska, but I moved to Hutchinson when I was five and have not claimed any allegiance to the Cornhuskers since Tom Osborne retired. I lived in Los Angeles for fourteen months. Then I came to my senses. For about two years I lived on the Missouri side of Kansas City, but I could throw a rock into Kansas from my apartment. Well, Roger Clemens could, but only after sitting out half the season and getting a contract paying him more than the entire day shift at Wal-Mart, not a particular Wal-Mart, all of Wal-Mart. My nearly-life-long Kansan status should allow me to give some suggestions for making Kansas more appealing to outsiders.
First, I think we need to let go of the stereotypes. Even though I currently reside in Dodge City and therefore could be bludgeoned by the butts of replica six-shooters for saying this, I think it may be time to stop trading off of the Gunsmoke television show. It went off the air 32 years ago. Don’t get me wrong it was a great show and Marshal Dillon was a true hero to more than one generation. However, we have to face facts. Most people under 40 do not remember the show. If you walk up to people in any bustling metropolitan area and ask, “What do you think of when you hear the word ‘Festus’?” most of them will back away slowly hoping you don’t follow them as they scurry into the nearest Starbucks for refuge.
It is also time to distance ourselves from Dorothy. Every time I told people out in L.A. I was from Kansas they felt it was required to make an inane Toto joke. The first few months I didn’t mind and I even laughed occasionally. Towards the end of my time in tinsel town my response got a little harsher. I asked them to check out my ruby slippers. The person bent down to look and before he could remark how I was simply wearing Chuck Taylors I smacked him on the back of the head with my limited edition hardback copy of L. Frank Baum’s Rinkitink In Oz. The outstanding warrant for assault with a blunt literary instrument may have contributed to my return to Kansas.
The most egregious misconception about Kansas is that the entire state is pool table flat. Dodge City has hills. This can be attested to by my fourteen year old daughter who has been spending great portions of June peddling her bike around town as part of a summer physical education class. Not only can my daughter attest to it but the pharmacy bill for Ben Gay and ibuprofen does as well. Besides, the gentle rolling of the high plains is much more interesting than those ostentatious mountains over in Colorado. Any yutz with an instamatic camera can claim oceans and mountains are impressive. The beauty and grace of the grassland requires a more restful and intellectual appreciation. I’ve got it, let’s start advertising in the Mensa newsletter.
Maybe I should re-evaluate the whole thing. We can just cave into the big city snootiness and start a whole new ad campaign.
The following should be read by an actor with a commanding, authoritative voice: “Tired of the hustle and bustle of big city life. Tired of never getting the rest your body and soul requires. Want to get away from it all? Go where there isn’t anything…Kansas.”
Wait a minute; I’m not sure that came out right…