Fun and Games at the Games

Everybody’s heard of Wrigley Field. Even people who are not big baseball fans know about the ivy walls, the bleacher bums, and the fans who sit on the rooftops of nearby buildings to watch the games. There is also a history of broken hearts for the fans of the Cubs who play their home games in this historic venue. This heartache may be one of the reasons so much beer is consumed at the park. Frequently the aforementioned bleacher bums are pretty well lubricated by the time the seventh inning stretch rolls around. This brings me to something I find inexplicable.
But first, a digression: you know how sports teams often have free giveaways at the gate for the first so many fans who attend? T-shirts, hats, key chains, or the ever popular bobblehead dolls. I went to Royals stadium on the night they were giving away Denny Matthews bobbleheads. When you pushed a button it played sound bites of Denny calling unforgettable moments in Royals history. The sad part is these moments occurred twenty some years ago. End of digression.
The inexplicable thing happening at Wrigley Field was one of those giveaways. On June 17th the first 10,000 fans were given a Cubs Sharpie. Yep, pens which write with permanent ink. This ink resists a variety of cleaning fluids and possibly even napalm. The brain trust in the Cubs promotions department willingly handed 10,000 fans (adults, children, and drunkards) 10,000 pens enabling the greatest single day event of “For a good time call…,” “Cubs Rule,” “Cubs Stink,” and “I’ve had Rubella, Shigella, and Salmonella. Now I’ve got a bad case of Piniella,” graffiti and vandalism in sports history. From 2000 to 2006 I worked for the Dodge City Legend. Running the game night festivities was a major portion of my job description. I can just imagine the looks on John’s, Tom’s and Jimmy’s faces (the guys who worked at the Civic Center) if I told them I was going to hand out super-indelible, never-come-off-unless-a-nuclear-device-is-detonated-nearby, markers to the fans. What’s next, they say, “Rustoleum Spray Paint Night”? Or how about “The Legend, in conjunction with Smith & Wesson, present Small Hand Gun Night (BYOB – bring your own bullets)”?
All the extra showmanship around a sporting event, or game operations, (game ops as it’s said in the biz) is an industry unto itself. It takes a certain kind of genius to put a college-educated grown man into a suit designed to resemble something from a Timothy Leary hallucination (i.e. Stuff the mascot for the Orlando Magic) then place him on a large four wheeled scooter. Take the guy on the scooter and stick him in the pocket of a gigantic sling shot device. Stretch the sling shot device to its fullest, releasing the mascot guy making him a projectile rolling across the court running into giant foam rubber bowling pins which causes a crowd of 23,000 people to cheer loudly when he makes a strike or groan if one pin stays standing. Sheer poetry in motion and well worth the $2,250 (price includes shipping) it takes to buy the ten five foot tall foam rubber bowling pins. The “price includes shipping” statement begs one question. How angry is the UPS guy going to be when that box shows up on his route?
Another question may have occurred to some readers. How did he know how much ten five foot tall foam rubber bowling pins would cost? Easy, I went to Gameops.com. Where else would one find such wonderful stuff? Some of these things would be great just around the house. What rumpus room would be complete without 2 foot wide, 2 foot tall Jumbo Inflatable Dice? Just $250 for a pair. This bit of information was included on the description: No air pump is included, but is recommended for inflation. Darn, I wanted to spend a week and half light-headed as I blow 16 cubic feet of air from my own personal lungs into these vinyl shapes. For you Yahtzee fans out there you have a price break. A set of five 2 foot inflatable dice only costs $600, a savings of twenty-five dollars. Honey, where’s the checkbook?!
Now for my favorite item in the Gameops.com catalog. Everyone knows you can pick up 7-foot inflatable spheres known as Human Hamster Balls at every discount and convenience store in any town in the state, but only at Gameops.com can you find the Human Hamster Ball Repair Kit. For a measly $48 you get a piece of poly vinyl, industrial strength ultra vinyl glue and a bottle of Zippy Cool. What’s Zippy Cool? Zippy Cool is a lubricant for the Hamster Ball zippers, because everyone knows what a pain it is when your Hamster Ball zippers stick.