Cool Eye for the Square Guy

First of all let me make it clear, I am not having a mid-life crisis. There will be no sports car purchased, nor any running away to a tropical island to paint lovely native girls in varying stages of undress. The reason for my special tutoring on how to be cool revolves around the sheer volume of time I spend around young people. I have a teenage girl living in my house as well as a will-be-a-teenager-entirely-too-soon girl and an eight year old boy. My job has me surrounded by 600 or so fifth and sixth graders. Working for the Legend basketball team also has me with guys (choke, gasp) twenty years younger than I. Because of all this I decided to enlist the help of one of those Legend players to give me a make-over enabling me to infiltrate the ranks of the young and cool. Framecio Little was kind enough to mentor me.
The khaki Dockers and polo shirt had to go. I needed “fresh gear” if I was to cross-over to the cool side. First I needed a bright white t-shirt. The shirt is not supposed to have any printing on it and it should be quite large on the person. The depressing part was the size of shirt required to hang down low over the decidedly middle-aged paunch I had accumulated over my forty some years of existence. Framecio said I should wear denim shorts with the white shirt. Holy cow, I had those in my closet already. I’m cooler than I thought I was. The final touch for looking the part was to get my “feetwork right.” That means shoes. The problem was I would have to sell my car in order to afford the “J’s” or “Ones” required. For the uninitiated in the audience those are styles of shoes endorsed by Michael Jordan. If you make Jordan paychecks than Jordan shoes are not a problem. However, most of us do not make Michael Jordan money. We fall more into the tax bracket of the guys who put Michael Jordan’s actual shoes back into his locker at the country club after giving them a good shine.
Young and cool also means gadgets need to be a part of my day-to-day life. However, the latest video games are more complex than the United States tax code written in Aramaic. I do have a cell phone, but I do not know how to use it other than the basics. “Texting” is beyond me. I have a friend (who constantly reminds me he is a full decade younger than I) capable of texting faster than I can talk. He flips open his latest version phone, which is as thick as a slice of lunch meat, and his thumbs fly over the keys like the feet of that Riverdance guy.
One gadget I have is an iPod. I have the simplest version possible, but I do have one. I asked Framecio which musicians I needed to load to be considered up to date. He proceeded to list four rappers with names as familiar to a middle aged white guy from western Kansas as list of existential philosophers of the late 19th century would be to, well, would be to anyone. The fact that I have some Ray Charles on my iPod gave me a glimmer of coolness. My mentor said older rhythm and blues is termed “getting your grown man on” and I am nothing if not a grown man.
The slang of today seems to have been developed by the same people who write the advertising copy for detergent. “Fresh” and “clean” are current terms. A phrase used to compliment someone on something would be: “Them clean right there.” (with apologies to the grammarians in the audience) A great car has been sweet, cool, even cherry. Now you would be driving a “clean whip” if you had the best car in the neighborhood. The car I drive would not only not be sweet, cool, or cherry, the term “clean” would not be used in any sense of the word. The French fries on the floor of the back seat would require carbon dating to figure out how long they have been there.
Okay, I am now ready. I have on my “fresh gear.” I’m carrying a cell phone and my iPod is playing some Young Jezzy. My “feetwork” are “clean.” My “pockets are right” (which means I have money to spend). Also, my “clean whip” is gassed and ready to roll. The problem is I am just going to the grocery store to replenish my supply of antacids.

Christopher Pyle is now so “clean” and “fresh” his wife has him hanging from the rearview mirror in the minivan instead of one of those cardboard evergreen trees.