Everything may be for sale

I didn't write a column last week and I am placing this one on the blog late. This one appeared May 31st in the Dodge Globe.

Money makes the world go around. I hate to rain on the parade of the more optimistic readers out there who may think love makes the world go around, but I have yet to find a store clerk who would allow me to have a soda and a candy bar in exchange for a hug. (You should see some of the reactions I have gotten attempting to find the clerk who would let me.) Affection may give one a warm feeling in one’s heart, but it takes a buck fifty to buy the Tums to cure that warm feeling so one can get to sleep.
Since I have worked in the education field for many years I have at times tried to get students to put forth more effort by pointing out that an education can lead to more money. There are many extensively researched studies showing the more education a person has the more earning power he has over the course of his life. This has backfired on me. After I have given my powerful speech outlining how the level of education allows one to have a career which gives a person the wherewithal to live a life with choices and luxury a student asks me what my educational background is. I proudly tell him I have three college degrees, two undergraduate and one master’s degree. The student then points out the window to the staff parking lot and asks why I am driving a 16 year old two door Escort with a tire that requires airing up every third day.
Everybody seems to desire more money than they have at the moment. Individuals usually have to do pretty normal stuff to earn extra money, getting a second job, having a garage sale, or offering a kidney on E-bay. I have a new idea. Big time corporations spend millions if not billions of dollars each year to advertise their products. A commercial during the Super Bowl costs more than the gross national product for most third world countries. If the people who make Snickers bars would be willing to pay me a hundred dollars a month I would gladly tell everyone I meet on the street that “Snickers really satisfies.” Granted it would not reach as many people as a commercial during Will and Grace but it might reach more than a commercial during Jake in Progress and it would cost the company a heck of a lot less.
Whenever a sports team moves into a new stadium they sell the naming rights for the stadium to a corporation for huge sums of money. I prefer things the old way. It was much more macho for a football team to play in Soldier Field. Just how manly can Lance Berkman feel playing baseball in Minute Maid Park? I still think the field in Heinz Stadium should have a 57 yard line. But I digress. Individuals should have this opportunity to augment their income. When a young couple is expecting their first child it is not only an exciting time in their lives but it can also put a huge strain on their finances. Here is my idea. When the stork delivers the little bundle of joy she is not named after Grandma or the favorite aunt but the birth announcement would read like this: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith wish to announce the birth of their daughter Mazda Smith – an infant with the soul of a sports car.
It is not only individuals who are feeling the crunch of financial shortfalls. Governments are not getting the revenue they need and raising taxes only ticks people off. Let’s have Kansas fund the education needs for the state in creative ways, by selling out to corporate America. It could very well work. Take the state seal off of the flag and replace it with a Nike swoosh. Ditch “Ad Astra Per Aspera” and make “Think Outside the Bun” the state motto. The Meadowlark is replaced by the AFLAC duck as the state bird. The state amphibian is the GEICO gecko (I can’t believe we have a state amphibian anyway). I like “Home on the Range” but Bob Seger singing “Like a Rock” would sell a few more trucks and pay for the highways they drive on. I may be ahead of my time here. But, you’ll be sorry when Missouri becomes the Great state of Microsoft and stops having property tax, income tax, and sales tax. The Arch in St. Louis is called the Bill Gatesway to the West and the football team in Columbia becomes the Fighting Search Engines.