Wheeere's Johnny?

Jeff Zucker has been getting the stuffing beaten out of him by dozens and dozens of people in the press. “Who is Jeff Zucker?” you ask. Mr. Zucker is the president and chief executive officer of NBC, and he is the person who created quite a storm in the world of television.

Remember a few months ago when it was decided Jay Leno would host a Tonight Show-esque program five nights a week at 10/9 central on NBC? Remember a few months ago when 94% of the rational beings in the United States (which included most toddlers and a few really alert gerbils) decided Jay Leno hosting a Tonight Show-esque program five nights a week at 10/9 central on NBC was an idea so bone-headed it must have been created by a not so alert gerbil? Well, that not so alert gerbil was Harvard graduate Jeff Zucker.

Now there is another painful divide in a nation already torn asunder by liberal versus conservative, Chevy versus Ford, PC versus Mac, alive Elvis versus dead Elvis, and tastes great versus less filling. Are you a Jay supporter or a Conan man?

I don’t have an opinion. I liked Jay in his stand-up comic days but never watched his version of The Tonight Show. Conan is really unknown to me for anything other than his hair.

As of the writing of this column it looks like Jay will get the Tonight Show back and Conan will get 40 million smackers to stay home and perform for his wife and kids at the dinner table. I don’t care who hosts the Tonight Show for two reasons. The first reason is as I get older my bedtime keeps creeping farther and farther from midnight and closer and closer to dinner time. The second reason is I miss Johnny Carson.

I always felt a certain connection to Johnny Carson. He was from Nebraska. I am from Nebraska. He started on the Tonight Show in 1962. I started on this planet in 1962. Every anniversary show for Johnny had the same number as the number of candles on my birthday cake. He was funny. I always wanted to be funny. He seemed to have a kind soul. I strive for kindness. Humor for him was never mean-spirited. I find it difficult to make jokes that might be hurtful to anyone (even thought there are times I fight through that). He was a private man. I am naturally shy.

Holy cow! That’s it! I have the solution to Mr. Zucker’s predicament. Fire both Leno and O’Brien and hire me to host The Tonight Show. I always wanted to be Johnny Carson, I can have clever conversation with Hollywood stars and, if you hire enough writers, I can be funny five nights a week. And the best part for the embattled NBC CEO and all the shareholders of NBC stock (those who have not already sold it because it has become as attractive as dirigible stock after the Hindenburg), I will do all of that for one fortieth of what you are paying Mr. O’Brien to go away.

How’s this for my first monologue:

Well, Massachusetts has a Republican taking Ted Kennedy’s senate seat and the number of people in Hades looking for their mukluks just went through the roof. Really, the odds against that just a few months ago had to be longer than the New York Jets playing in the AFC championship game. What’s that? The Jets are what? I guess that means the snowball fight at Beelzebub’s house is definitely on for tonight.

James Cameron has another gigantic hit movie on his hands. First he makes a movie where everyone knows the ship sinks but we all go anyway. Now he has a movie which has everyone from the Vatican to the People’s Republic of China complaining about the subversive message he is trying to foist upon us. The only message I took from it was it takes $280 million of technological wizardry to make skinny smurfs.

I know NBC was in deep trouble. I mean they were getting beat in the ratings by cable networks that specialized in reality shows showing paint dry but did they really have to go for such a gimmick and hire some 47 year old nobody to host their flagship show? What could they have been thinking when they decided to put this overweight, gray-haired, talentless…uh, who wrote this joke?