Going to Cell in a Hand Cart

Earlier this week I was part of a very large group of people placed in a contained space for over two hours. When we were released I was one of the few who did not feel the need to move as quickly as rats leaving the Bush White Hou…oops, I mean a sinking ship. Since I was taking a leisurely stroll to my car I was able to observe the other folks. This is my conclusion from that experience. Cigarettes have been replaced by cell phones.
I realize on first glance this seems like a dumb thing to say. Saying dumb things is something at which I excel. However, the more I think about this the more I think I’m bloody well brilliant for postulating this theory.
The first supporting detail was what I noticed Monday. Upon leaving the building a huge number of folks reached immediately for their phones. It was truly amazing to me how many people needed to talk to someone RIGHT NOW. It couldn’t wait until lunch time. It couldn’t wait until they drove to their next destination. It couldn’t even wait until the sun fully cooked away the residual air conditioning off their clothes. They had to call that very second.
That is an addiction my friends as insidious as nicotine, as hard to shake as a Lucky Strike habit, and as malicious as Marlboro mania. To put it simply… it just isn’t really a good thing for people to be that dependent on an electronic device for their happiness. Okay, so that wasn’t put simply. You get what I mean though.
The cell phone habit can do many of the same things that smoking does. The user may suddenly find himself facing a deficit in his cash flow. A two pack a day habit costs something like $40 to $50 a month. Cell phone bills can make that look like coins in sofa cushions.
As I extrapolate this theory further the parallels between cigarettes and cell phones are amazing. Cigarette packages fit perfectly into a man’s shirt pocket, so do cell phones. Cigarettes require you to use your mouth and your hands, so do cell phones. Cigarettes smolder for several minutes after you light them, so do cell phones.
A really cool cigarette smoker would keep a cigarette behind his ear as he walked around in public. A really cool cell phone user has a “hands-free” device attached to his ear as he walks around in public. Actually, both of these affectations makes me want to approach the person and very politely kick him in the shin and run away.
Back before they were outlawed throughout the land, cigarettes annoyed people in public places. Now cell phones do that. You’re sitting in a movie theater and just when the hero is deciding which wire to cut on the incendiary device planted in the basement of an orphanage filled with puppies the entire audience is treated to a tinny electronic rendition of Wild Cherry’s 1976 hit “Play That Funky Music, White Boy.” After the refrain and two choruses the yutz finally answers the incoming call. He proceeds to have a conversation, loudly. This makes everyone else in the audience want to strap an incendiary device to his Motorola, putting him out of their misery.
If you or a loved one are struggling with a cell phone addiction there may be help available. Lessons learned from watching people kick the smoking addiction could be applied to this newest scourge. Going cold turkey and flushing your cell phone down the toilet may not work for many people and it can be hard on the pipes. If a cigarette smoker can switch to a nicotine patch a cell phoner can get one which only texts. Some of the buzz without all the harsh health risks. A support group could help, but an 800 number hot line seems counter-productive.
If simpler methods fail one could turn to aversion therapy. For a smoker every time he took a puff a trained physician would administer an electric shock making the process of smoking much less pleasurable. Doing this for a cell phone addict would be much easier. They would not have to sit in a clinic. The cell phone could be wired so instead of playing an insipid song or vibrating when a call was coming in it could send 20 volts (not a commonly lethal level) into the person answering. After experiencing a few jolts like that talking to one’s BFF might be less attractive. The keypad could also be booby trapped with high voltage shocks so texting would require thumbs of asbestos.