Ask a frequent question, get a frequent answer

I came later than many to the world of computers. I can remember coming across the term “FAQ” and trying to pronounce it like it was a word. It was probably months later that I saw the words “frequently asked questions” written out. There was a clearing of the clouds, an astral choir sang, and I slapped myself on the forehead as I suddenly realized just because I enjoy Broadway show tunes doesn’t mean I have to be ashamed. I can admit it and still be a man.
Now, years later, I have learned that “FAQ” is often used as a signpost to guide users to answers that many people have asked before in order to shorten the time spent looking for information. Just think, if the wise Tibetan monks had a few FAQ Foothills fewer people would risk their lives climbing the mountains looking for enlightenment. Not everyone wants to know the meaning of life and the true road to happiness. Maybe an FAQ Foothill could just explain the meaning of a tough word like “solipsism” or the true road to the nearest Baskin Robbins (which has thirty-one varieties of happiness). Not everything needs to be so darned momentous.
As a way to avoid doing the things I really should have been doing I decided to cruise through a few websites and see what was being asked frequently. As you might have guessed the government has a lot of questions asked of it.
One of the popular questions on the Internal Revenue Service website is “What should I do if I made a mistake on my federal return that I have already filed?” The first sentence of the response is “It depends on the type of mistake you made.” If it is a mistake in your addition or subtraction the government will simply re-figure it for you and amend the return themselves. If it is a failure to report the thousands of dollars you made under the table by selling your complete collection of Leonard Nimoy albums on EBay then the government will impound everything you own and make you pay an extra penalty for trafficking in incredibly bad music.
My next stop was the Environmental Protection Agency website. A question I found was: “How will I know if my water isn’t safe to drink?” If the water is brown do not assume it is chocolate. Small chunks of rodent floating in the glass might be an indication. If a spark can set it ablaze drinking it is not recommended. Okay, I made that stuff up. The real answer is, “Your water supplier must notify you by newspaper, mail, radio, TV, or hand delivery if your water doesn’t meet EPA or state standards.” Of course by the time all these avenues for getting the word out have been prepared, and then used, your tropical fish have legs, the toilet glows in the dark and the carbonation in your ginger ale has mixed with the water causing a chemical reaction in your alimentary canal resulting in burps which can be recorded on seismographs in Japan.
I didn’t even know there was a website for the United States Court system until this exercise. The second question on its FAQ list was: “What are the qualifications for becoming a federal judge?” The first scary part of this question is that people are surfing the web contemplating becoming federal court judges. (It was either a career on the bench or draw that parrot and become a graphic artist in my spare time.) The second scary part is the real answer: “The Constitution sets forth no specific requirements.” If we are not careful we could end up with a Tenth Circuit Court composed of Paula Abdul, Bruno (from Dancing with the Stars) and that guy whose graphic artist career went belly up when he found out he had to draw things other than parrots.
Federal Bureau of Investigation: “How accurately is the FBI portrayed in books, television shows and motion pictures?” Very few of us have hair as good as Efrem Zimbalist Jr’s.
Center for Disease Control and Prevention: “What is the difference between being overweight and being obese?” Froot Loops versus doughnuts for breakfast.
Federal Emergency Management Agency…actually I never got to read their FAQ’s because the internet connection slowed to the speed of a sloth sipping Benadryl. I am not making this up. The irony is a little too stark.
Now for my personal favorite. This was on the website for Northwest Airlines. “Do you have a policy for transporting antlers?”