Take Two Sips and Call Me in the Morning

Remember the old comic book plot in which the evil genius is scheming to drop some sort of nefarious chemical into the city’s water supply. His concoction will brainwash the population into following his every command, or the entire town contracts a horrible disease for which he alone holds the antidote, or it gives everyone a wicked case of the hiccups which makes them drink more water which gives them more hiccups. Holy involuntary spasms of the diaphragm, Batman!
An item in the news recently reported there are traces of dozens upon dozens of prescription drugs in the water supply for millions of people in the United States. It might be better if there was an evil genius. At least then there would be someone who knew how to counteract the tainted water. I do not want to be like those television reporters who relish striking fear into the hearts of the general public. You know the kind. “Is your pet plotting to kill you as you sleep? Tune in at ten to find out the alarming truth about your diabolical dog, your conniving kitty or even that heinous hamster.” In order not to be like that guy, I will say right up front that the scientific conclusions do not point to major concern over this discovery…yet. Okay, I’m a little bit like that reporter guy.
A spokesman for the Environmental Protection Agency was quoted as saying, “We recognize it is a growing concern and we’re taking it seriously.” The only reason I throw in this quote is not to show there is a crack team of scientists burning the midnight oil to make sure the water supply for the entire country is safe for babies and endangered species. Nope, I wanted to mention this because the man who said it is named Benjamin H. Grumbles. This is my new favorite name. It is just perfect for a curmudgeonly government spokesman. It is like having a pastry chef named John Dough, or a policeman named Michael Smith-Wesson, or a politician named Marvin Takerofbribes.
Back to the AP story about the drugs in the water supply, when a person takes a pill not all of the medication is absorbed into the body the rest is…um…well…deposited in the toilet and sent into the world to seek its fortune. The amounts are harder to find than a sea monkey in Lake Huron, but I still don’t like the idea of quenching my summertime thirst with a fine mix of Country Time lemonade and just a hint of an anti-convulsant.
Some of the findings made sense. The water supply for 18.5 million people in Southern California had anti-anxiety medicine in it. That would explain the number of people living there who are so laid-back they are prone. Remember these are the people who first used the word “dude” more frequently than any other noun, verb or adjective. There was a sex hormone detected in the drinking water of San Francisco. I don’t even need to write a joke for that. Each reader can make up his or her own gag, kind of like the home version of Wheel of Fortune. There were six different pharmaceuticals found in the Washington D.C. area. That explains a lot.
Actually, it occurs to me certain prescriptions in certain water supplies could possibly be a boon. I have worked in education for fifteen years. There are times of the year any classroom could use anti-hyper-activity medications for students and staff alike. Sodium Pentothal (a.k.a. truth serum) would be loads of fun before divorce proceedings in a courtroom or served to guests before they go on the Today Show (that would make the latest Matt Lauer interview of Alan Greeenspan a lot more entertaining). Or perhaps a mild sleeping powder insinuated into the systems of the casts of all those intensely bouncy Disney Channel television shows. Have you ever watched The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and not wanted to smack just one of them with a sock full of horse manure?
I have saved the most harrowing evidence of the dangers of pharmaceuticals running rampant in the water supply for last. It is not human pain and suffering we need to worry about now. Further down on the food chain shows the aftermath of man’s pollution. Male fish are becoming feminized. (It actually said this in the article I read.) Who wants to watch Roland Martin yank a six pound largemouth bass out of the lake and find it’s wearing lipstick and mother of pearl gill rings? It’s just not natural, Vern.