Some Things We Just Don't Need to Know

Not long ago J.K. Rowling made a statement which sent some shockwaves through the world of popular literature. While making an appearance at Carnegie Hall the author was answering questions about her wildly popular series of books detailing the adventures of boy wizard Harry Potter. One member of the audience asked what appeared to be a most innocuous question. While answering the question, Ms. Rowling revealed something most unexpected. A fact that might have been hinted at if one read most carefully through the more than four thousand two hundred pages of the seven books. Yet a fact many of the most obsessive fans may have blithely let slip right past them. Dumbledore is fictitious. She made him up. He is as real as Mr. T’s acting talent, as real as my chance to be the starting point guard for the Celtics, as real as Salina secretly stockpiling WMDs in case of an invasion from those belligerent Swedes over in Lindsborg. He does not exist.
Okay, so stating he was fictitious is not what started a new controversy in the press. She said he was gay. The sexual orientation of a character who can transport himself anywhere on the planet in a split second, a character whose pet is a mythological bird who bursts into flames, on purpose, a character who uses a stick as his chief weapon against evil is as relevant as whether or not Clark Kent is a Republican. It just doesn’t matter.
While it may not matter it does beg the question: What else don’t we know about some of literature’s most famous characters?
Sam Spade is one of the most well-known hard boiled detectives ever. He wore a snap-brimmed fedora, carried a gun and had no trouble at all sending his girlfriend up the river. After all when a guy’s partner is killed you’re supposed to do something about it. Little did we know as we read Dashiell Hammet’s book or watched Humphrey Bogart that Sam Spade collected Precious Moments figurines and raised teacup Chihuahuas.
George Orwell wrote the book “Animal Farm,” a satirical allegory on the totalitarian state of Soviet Russia. The chief characters were animals. Snowball was a pig. He was a good pig. He worked for the greater good of all animals on the farm. He cared about making a society where all shared equally in the work and in the benefits. Something Mr. Orwell did not share with the readers was Snowball was truly conflicted. He was Jewish. Not only did communism denigrate the importance of religion, which made openly practicing his faith very risky, but he himself was not kosher.
The Laura Ingalls Wilder books have been childhood favorites for more than one generation of little girls. Well, one thing Ms. Wilder never stated outright for the audience was that Pa was dumb as a bag of hammers. This one is not a joke. Have you read those books recently? Pa was constantly leaving his family just as a blizzard was about to hit or dragging them into barely habitable parts of the country just because he felt closed in. This guy was a dim bulb of epic proportion.
The legend of Faust has been told in every generation. The main character sells his soul to the devil. In most incarnations the motivation of the transaction was Faust wanted great power and unlimited knowledge. What few people realize is he really just sold his soul for a really great pastry. Not just any old doughnut, we’re talking something with fruit and cream cheese.
In Hemingway’s novella, “The Old Man and the Sea” the old man catches the biggest fish he ever caught. He is thrilled with his success. He thinks about all the positive things which will befall him due to his skill and triumph. The secret that few ever knew was that he caught this huge marlin with Popeil’s Pocket Fisherman, otherwise known as the “biggest fishing invention since the hook” and he got it for just $19.95.
Maybe one of the biggest shockers is Hester Prynne was actually just a big fan of the Crimson Tide. That letter “A” was simply pledging her allegiance to the spirit of Bear Bryant and the great Alabama football teams of years past. It turns out Rev. Dimmesdale was an Auburn fan who couldn’t handle falling for a girl from Tuscaloosa.